Understandably, my friends get confused as to why I keep shunning them. They invite me out, I decline 75% of the time, they stop inviting me out, I get confused and lonely–the cycle repeats. Okay. Here’s the breakdown:
First off, I’m an introvert. Textbook-style: I’m withdrawn, fairly reserved, and avoid socializing most of the time. I get my energy from myself, rather than other people, and I don’t have much of it. Even the thought of socializing makes me tired. Spending more than a couple hours with other people usually makes me want to retreat. I’m not a big talker, either, unless I’m really in the mood or feel strongly about the topic. Basically, I’m psychologically designed to be alone. This has been professionally confirmed.
Now, I stumbled upon a good (albeit slightly biased) article in The Atlantic that I urge you to read, called Caring For Your Introvert. And yes, it’s all true. And yes, it is often extremely difficult for an extrovert to understand all this (hence my urging you to read it).
That’s the bulk of it. Now. Take that – add clinical depression, low physical energy, insomnia, nocturnal mania, irritability, a busy schedule and a high level of ambition and you have a confusing melange of things that, when put in a blender and set in the freezer, create something that looks a lot like me.
So, it sounds like I’m making excuses. I am – and they’re valid. A lot of people would say, so what? Make more of an effort to get out, get psychological help, try changing your habits, get over it. A) I do, or have done, or have tried all of those things. B) People who think there are simple solutions to any of these problems do not have a clue what they’re dealing with.
So. I apologize to my friends, acquaintances, co-workers. I am sorry I’m so difficult to socialize with. But this is important: it is not personal. It is simply who I am. Sometimes I can’t, because I feel tired, depressed, or distracted by my personal projects. Other times? I simply don’t want to socialize. I like you. I just don’t feel like it.
This doesn’t make me an ideal acquaintance. But I have my moments. I can be fun, I’m interesting, and I have a lot of good traits. I’m reliable in most other areas of life (when I have deadlines, appointments, et cetera). But I can not be counted on to attend social functions very often, regardless of how much I appreciate the invitations.
Advice:
I’m worth getting to know. Learn to accept my behaviors, don’t take them personally, and keep trying if you feel it’s worth it.
I am more likely to socialize with others if:
- I am lonely;
- It involves low-key activities (like going to someone’s home, rather than going to a bar or partying with a large group);
- I have a ride there and a ride back and the transit time is short (lack of vehicle, lack of tolerance for the bus system unless necessary);
- and/or if it involves activities that I planned or recommended (I enjoy going to movies, eating out, and hosting the occasional low-key get-together at my apartment–movies, games, food, chats, et cetera).
I enjoy forging valuable relationships with people. If you are looking for an interesting person to slowly acquaint yourself with, I’m an excellent choice. But if you’re looking for someone who is naturally sociable and reliable in this manner, look elsewhere – I am not that friend.
